I Have a Crush :)
(shit)
I haven’t written an article for a while because I’ve been desperately searching for a job, moving back to England after living in Greece for three months, and temporarily living with my sister before relocating permanently to Brighton (that was a mouthful).
Also, for some reason, I get obsessed with one thing at a time and then forget it exists (in tune with the theme of this article, hehe). But I am DETERMINED to stay consistent with Substack from now on.
This is the first time I’ve officially lived away from the tiny village I grew up in, and I’m definitely starting to feel like I was always that troubled main character in a teen film who’s “desperate to leave this small town for bigger things.” I even have a dead parent to fit the character profile. All I need is the item I carry around with me (like a shoelace or some shit) because it reminds me of the completely insane message my parent gave me on their deathbed: “Abs, all I ever wanted was to see you run the family shoelace business. Make me proud.”
(Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. My dad was nonverbal when he died, and he didn’t run a shoelace business) (everyone say RIP Gary)
Anyway, I just moved to Brighton a week ago, and I’m loving it. I’m incredibly grateful that my best friend (Kate) has so much faith in me that she was willing to become my sugar daddy (without the daddy part, just the ££), and move in with me while I’m totally income-less. But her faith worked, and I finally got a job offer TODAY (!!!).
On Thursday, we made our first friend, Tom. I actually matched with him on an app the day we came to Brighton for flat viewings, so we’d already been chatting for a few weeks before we even moved here. He was so lovely and even bought me and Kate vegan hot chocolates and a housewarming gift.
EVERYONE HERE IS SO NICE.
Then, on Saturday, we met a poet named Jordan who showed us around and told us about all the cool artsy events in the city. We sat on the beach with them for a couple of hours and chatted, and they read us some of their incredible poetry. I was in AWE (my mouth was literally open).
Since then, we’ve been on this winning streak with meeting cool person after cool person (too cool, if you ask me).
Something I’m also loving about Brighton is that everyone seems to have correct opinions - I’m yet to meet someone with right-wing views. I don’t even have to worry about telling people I use they/them pronouns, which is something I find super difficult usually because I work in dentistry (lore drop) and I’m from a city where everyone is straight, white and rich.
Sooo.. I’m kinda living my best life here!?
Except, there have been a few ~downsides~ to everyone in Brighton being super cool (I never use those squiggly lines & I LOVE them - expect more).
The first downside is that I am so uncool. I didn’t realise how uncool I was until I moved to a city filled with really cool people. We went to a poetry night last night, and I felt so intimidated by the incredibly talented, well-dressed, fun and overall fucking cool people in the room. I desperately need to add more colour to my wardrobe (I hate how plain I am) and get better at writing and talking to strangers at events and being cool.
The next downside is that I’m a Scorpio, so I’ve managed to develop a crush on someone in LESS THAN A WEEK.
Of course I fucking have.
I don’t think this is entirely my fault. It’s also the fault of the amazing and super crush-worthy people of Brighton.
But it’s also my fault. I’m supposed to not be dating. I actually decided to be celibate this year until I’ve figured out my dating goals. And now I have a crush on a new friend who is totally unavailable. And I am also totally unavailable. Mostly.
Good times.
Soooo… how am I going to handle it?
I’m going to keep things entirely platonic
We only just met! I’m prone to gaining anxious attachments to people I can’t have (lmfao) (I’m in therapy), so I have to keep control of it and make sure those anxious attachments are entirely my problem and not causing a burden to them. Which works, but it doesn’t make it any easier for me. Also, crushes don’t really mean anything because the information is made up. I barely know anything about them, so I’m filling in the blanks with my ideals.
But I won’t let it consume me. I’m going to be mindful about it, I swear. I won’t risk what could be a wonderful friendship by letting any platonic boundaries be crossed (even though they’ve flirted with me, cry).
I won’t constantly check my phone for their responses
^Me when I lie
I took a break here to check if they’d replied, and if you saw their last message, you’d be screaming with me (eeeek)
I usually avoid crushes by dating other people (casually). Since that’s not an option, I will actively try to fill my time with other friendships instead
Luckily, there are so many people here for us to become friends with! I have a spreadsheet with 30+ people on it (I couldn’t keep up with all the app matches). I find it so much easier to add them to a spreadsheet so I don’t forget to reply to anyone. I’m aiming to fill the majority of my time with friends, my new job and creative events so that I don’t have the urge to invite them over randomly (I still will).
When we are falling in love, chemicals associated with the reward circuit flood our brain, producing a variety of physical and emotional responses—racing hearts, sweaty palms, flushed cheeks, feelings of passion and anxiety. Levels of the stress hormone cortisol increase during the initial phase of romantic love, marshaling our bodies to cope with the “crisis” at hand. […] Low levels of serotonin precipitate what Schwartz described as the “intrusive, maddeningly preoccupying thoughts, hopes, terrors of early love”—the obsessive-compulsive behaviors associated with infatuation.
I’m not falling in love (obviously). But I read this research paper last year that helped me understand myself and why I completely LOSE MY MIND when I have a crush, let alone when I have feelings for someone.
As it turns out, having a crush doesn’t only make us a bit obsessive, it also “deactivates the neural pathway responsible for negative emotions, such as fear and social judgment.” So… in other words, when we have a crush, we have no shame.
That’s incredibly accurate for me. I double text, I invite them to everything, and I flirt. A LOT. The shame only kicks in afterwards when I realise how cringe and unchill I was being.
But again, not really my fault. It’s my brain chemicals.
And finally, I’m not going to do any of the above
I find it highly unlikely that I’ll stick to any of that. What will probably happen is that it’ll either go away with time, I’ll replace them with a new crush (most likely), or we’ll end up happily married. I’m happy with any of the above.
Anyway, gotta go, they’re on their way over (just kidding) (probably).
~ Thanks for reading ly ~
P.S. I’m trying to become a writer! If you like my articles and you have some spare change, you can support me here <3
You're back yayyyyyyyyyy .. im excited can you tell?
Cool