I'm a lover boy

(casually)

Welcome to me and my general vibe. I date a lot of women and, begrudgingly, sometimes men.

Casually, of course. Which probably gets confusing when I start practising my signature with their last name and hanging posters of them on my bedroom wall. How do you explain to the people you’re casually dating that you miss them, you wanna lie on their chest for hours so you can smell them, and that you stay up just to listen to their favourite songs and think about them? I know what you’re thinking - that’s love.

No. It’s yearning.

I don’t want to be with them. My focus will shift from them to the next person I sleep with with ease, and when we stop fucking, they’ll go into the archive with the rest of the people I’ve obsessed over and forgotten about.

You’re probably wondering - if I’m such a yearny little lover girl, why am I only dating casually?!

The answer is that I’m not healthy enough for a relationship right now.

I do miss having a built-in best friend who gives me butterflies and plays with my hair, but the anxious attachment issues I’ve been recently plagued with won’t go away.

It’s not something I’m proud of, but my hot-and-cold ex left me with a need for constant reassurance and affection (to the detriment of my sanity) (hey *** fuck you if you’re reading this) (pls remind me to never date an avoidant again).

When I start to develop feelings now, my neediness reconfirms the juxtaposition between my relationship ideals and the horrible conditions my heart is currently trapped under. I want trust, freedom, and a life separate from my partner, but instead, I bleed insecurity and pessimism. My friend Marvin once said that when he’s in a relationship, his partner has to trust him to sleep naked in bed with someone he’s slept with before. This is the level of trust I had with my first partner (shoutout Dom), and the level of trust I aspire to bring to all my future relationships.

Unfortunately for me, I’m just a Scorpio who falls for emotionally immature Pisces with no communication skills and avoidance issues. The more they play with my emotions, the more I want them (dw I’m in therapy lmao).

I’m also at the age where if I get into a relationship now, we might stay together forever. What if it never ends??? Terrifying.

Anyway, if you’re an astrology girly and you know why I always fall in love with Pisces, please help me!!

If not, please stay tuned for my next newsletter, where I’ll tell you the embarrassing ins and outs of my current crush (it’s bad).

Well, that’s if I’m still crushing on them next week.

I don’t know how to end a Substack newsletter. This is my first time.

Bye.

Love you xxx