No Dicks 'til 26

I'm taking a dating break

Unsolicited dick pics, one-worded replies, a relentless need to drink alcohol and call it a first date, distance, a lack of flirting, TOO MUCH flirting (immediately trying to sext me??), the entitlement of men who approach me on the street while I have headphones on and won’t leave me alone when I ask them to, and non-stop matching with avoidant Pisces and hyper-sexual Virgos. I’m tired of dating.

What I really want is to meet someone organically, build a friendship, secretly fall in love with each other (but keep it to ourselves to avoid ruining the friendship), and eventually get jealous one night, leading to an angry, dramatic love confession, preferably in the rain. Or at the beach. Or both.

But alas, I’m stuck in dating-app land. And as someone who dates a lot, I have to take my fair share of breaks to preserve my sanity, reevaluate my dating goals and assess how I want to proceed. Sometimes it’s an active decision I make, sometimes it’s the result of a bad dating experience that puts me off, and sometimes I notice myself naturally slipping away from dating.

This time, I’m making the decision to step back because I need to.

On moving to Chania, Crete, for three months, I focused heavily on having a summer romance. We arrived on the morning of Monday, 8th September, and by 3pm, we were out for lunch and immediately scrolling through the dating apps. 5, 10, 15 matches later, my ego had been boosted, and I was already getting excited about some of my prospects. But something was missing - my desire to actually date them.

Though it was exciting to chat to my matches, the second an in-person date got mentioned, I’d delay it. I’m busy. My friend and I are exploring the island that day. That won’t work. This won’t work. It was all bullshit. We could’ve very easily fit these dates into the plan, but I didn’t want to. I did end up going on a few dates, but I didn’t enjoy them or want to go on a second date with any of them. Not even necessarily because they weren’t interesting, but because I wasn’t interested.

I’m currently on week 5 of living in Chania, and I haven’t been on any dates for the past 2 weeks. I’m not even actively trying to flirt with anyone, other than a couple of people on the roster from back home, which is unusual for me. Usually, I have one main person I’m actually interested in who flirts with me daily, a few side characters who flirt with me (but less consistently), and a few prospects on dating apps.

Right now, I have a couple of side characters, no main character, and I’m uninterested in using dating apps. I do have a few coffee shop and local restaurant crushes, which is a bit of fun, but not fun enough for me to actually pursue them.

So, why am I making this an official dating break?

1. I’m addicted to attention

I’m missing the constant attention and ego boost I get from having one main crush, but this is a sign that I need to stop dating. Of course, it’s fun to have people to flirt with, but I’ve realised I’m obsessed with it and never go without it. Now that I don’t have it, I’m realising just how much of my life focuses on the reassurance of others.

For this reason, I’ve also decided to delete Instagram until I turn 26 (13 days total). That doesn’t seem like a lot, but as an Insta addict, it’ll be pretty good going if I actually manage it. I’m already anxious knowing I won’t be able to post my daily Instagram story, I’ll be missing out on the group chat, and my followers will have to survive without my weekly main-feed thirst trap.

Realistically, that is RIDICULOUS, and I think it’s deep-rooted in the idea that if I don’t make myself present and known constantly, people will forget me or no longer be interested. Needless to say, there is no risk of the important people in my life forgetting about me if I don’t post on Instagram. And if a random person I flirt with now and then forgets about me, why does that impact my life so heavily?

Hopefully, this break will teach me to live without being constantly perceived and to be ok with just existing. I’m also hoping it’ll reset the habit of constantly needing someone to flirt with.

Though, full disclosure, I’m already making plans in my head for my social media comeback post.

2. Poor dating pool and bad experiences

Dating in Chania hasn’t been great, mainly because the queer scene is less prominent. Not to say it isn’t good here, especially (as far as I can tell) in comparison to a lot of other Islands, but something I’ve learned from the queer friends we’ve made here is that lesbians tend to anonymise themselves on dating apps by changing their names, and they’re usually resistant to going on dates. I’ve only matched with a few women and female-presenting people since being here, and it’s only remained consistent with this one girl who moved back to Athens before we could arrange a date (cry). As someone with a strong preference for women and female-presenting people, I’ve been left in a sea of jacked straight men (I don’t even usually date straight men, but I’ve met ZERO bi men so far).

The men I’ve met just haven’t been right for me, even for a casual dynamic. I haven’t truly connected with anyone here or been interested in pursuing anything with them.

I mentioned in a previous post that I’ve been having negative experiences with men recently, which range from unsolicited dick pics to the man working at a restaurant near my apartment trying to push me to go out with him and making sexual comments constantly. Either way, I haven’t had an enriching and respectful conversation with a man since moving here, and it’s left me feeling completely exhausted.

3. Body confidence issues

TW: eating disorder, body confidence issues

I’m about to go on a bit of a tangent, but I promise it’ll eventually link back to the dating.

I’ve been battling with disordered eating since I was 11, which is when I started starving myself at secondary school. Things only got worse when I was around 15 and realised I could exercise and lift heavy weights at the school gym with my friends every day after school. This led to working out until I was sick, starving myself for days at a time, binge eating and then, eventually, throwing up.

Luckily, through therapy and A LOT of work, I’ve managed to work on the physical aspect of this. I don’t make myself throw up or exercise excessively anymore. When I’m finding it impossible to eat, I vocalise it to a friend and we find ways to get me eating (even a little bit). I don’t allow myself to restrict food anymore. I eat when I’m hungry and I eat what I want.

But while the physical aspect is under control, the mental torment has never left me, and if I can be candid, I panic sometimes that it never will. Almost every day, my brain tells me not to eat. I look in the mirror or at photos of myself, and I convince myself that I can easily lose the weight I’ve gained through recovery if I just starve myself for a few weeks (I have a fantastic therapist who helps me through this).

As a way to cope and avoid getting angry at myself, I’ve personified my eating disorder and named him Ed (clever, I know). Instead of, “I’m being so annoying, why can’t I just eat?” I say to my friends, “Ed is being a prick today.” And we all bitch about him.

As a sidenote, I’d definitely recommend naming everything - anxiety, depression, self-doubt - after a man you hate. It’s so much more rewarding to blame them.

Ed does still get triggered frequently because, unfortunately, we live in a society that focuses on eating habits and weight. My old workplace was terrible for diet culture, and I even once had someone come into my office to tell me I’d gained so much weight since I’d been there.

One of Ed’s main triggers, aside from the societal focus on dieting, is dating men. I genuinely don’t want to blame the men I’ve slept with for this (trust me, I’m more than happy to blame men for things when it’s warranted). I think it just comes from this idea of men being more judgmental of our bodies, which, realistically, I haven’t experienced much of. But still, the fear of being seen naked by a man is STRONG.

I’ve never experienced this with a woman or enby person, ever. I always feel empowered and beautiful when I’m with them, and I don’t fear their judgment at all. I genuinely don’t think I’ll ever fear being naked in front of a woman.

So, being in Chania, where the dating pool is a sea of straight men, has led to my brain focusing heavily on my body image.

THIS IS NOT THE VIBE.

Again, this isn’t their fault, but it hints at a wider problem with my mental state. If I’m focused on male validation and I don’t have room to love myself, then I’m not in a place to be dating.

For further reading on this, Kate from Kate Dates recently wrote an article on letting go of male validation:

With the shitty dating pool, Ed being a cunt, and my addiction to attention (partly thanks to being a Leo rising), I’m taking a dating break (at least) until my 26th birthday. And I’m sure I’ll take another couple of dating breaks before the end of the year, which is fine. I’d rather press pause on dating and attention than settle for boring dates where I feel disrespected.

I run on matcha lattes! If you want to support me, you can buy me a matcha now:

Me writing this on 4 hours of sleep hehe: