Reframing sex

Death to the meaningless shag

TW: Sexual coercion, sexual assault (briefly mentioned but not described)

I realised this week that I’ve never looked for a relationship.

I had a few obligatory school relationships that meant nothing and ended as quickly as they started, and I’ve had two long-term, real relationships.

My first relationship was with one of my best friends. We met when we were 11; he had a crush on me, but I didn’t find out until we were 15. When we were 16, we fell into a relationship. We went on dates, safely and intimately explored our sex lives together, and learned how to do the whole being in love thing. Our relationship lasted 4 and a half years and ended when we got to our twenties and realised we were different people going in different directions. It was an extremely heartbreaking end, but we’ve remained best friends to this day.

My second relationship started when I was 22. We were friends and casually dating / sleeping together for 8 months before I decided to become exclusive with them. Alongside them, I was seeing a lot of other people (the most I ever have at once), and I was having fun and enjoying my sex and dating life. When we got together, it was immediately tumultuous. I caught them on dating apps early on, they had a weird on-again-off-again texting thing with one of their friends they used to sleep with who would bitch about me and send them nudes, they had a porn addiction, and they later admitted to me that they’d think about their ex to cum - something that completely killed any ounce of self-worth that was left in my body. This led to me becoming an anxiously attached demon who desperately sought their approval and reassurance constantly, lost all sense of who they were and lived and breathed them.

I didn’t go looking for a relationship in either of these circumstances, and with the last only ending last year, I haven’t looked for one since.

What I look for on dating apps is casual, but not purely sexual. I describe it as dates, friendship and sex, with the latter coming when I feel comfortable with them. No commitment, no jealousy, no exclusivity. I’m not opposed to a relationship forming if I meet someone and end up catching feelings for them, but I’m not looking for it.

Now, back to the sex. I enjoyed having sex when I was single and casually dating between my first two relationships. A lot. I was dating constantly and connecting with new people every other day. I had the opportunity during this time to explore sex with women and female-presenting people a lot more, which was fantastic since I lean more towards them anyway.

The difference between my sex life then and now has been astounding. Back then, I found it effortless to meet someone, date them, have sex with them and not catch any feelings. The sex was fun and fulfilling. I was connecting with them on an intimate level, making the sex way more exciting and passionate, and I was building friendships that have lasted to this day. But now, I kinda hate it.

There are a few things I’ve realised may be contributing to this change:

I’m older now, and the dating pool has changed

When I was 21, it was a lot easier to find people who were interested in having this friends-with-benefits type situationship. More people are single at 21, and most of them don’t want to date for a relationship. Now that I’m 25, I’m often finding either people who exclusively want a relationship (good for them, honestly) or people who only want sex and are straight to the point with it.

My self-worth has been reduced

Following my first relationship, I felt pretty, I felt wanted, I felt good enough. That’s how my partner had made me feel, and I emerged feeling valued and valuable. My last partner, however, left me feeling completely unwanted. I’ve spent the past year battling with self-doubt, questioning my ability to be a good sexual partner, questioning how I look and feeling insecure about every little thing.

Bringing this into a casual dynamic is dangerous. Feeling insecure while having sex with someone can completely ruin the experience for me, even when I communicate it openly with them. Luckily for me, I never feel this insecurity with women and female-presenting people, but I do feel it with men. Every single time, in fact.

Sexual trauma

Experiencing sexual trauma, specifically with men (which I won’t be going into detail about), makes it hard for me to enjoy sex with them. I mainly have sex with women and female-presenting people, and the little sex I’ve had with men this year has been quite stressful for me. My discomfort is so obvious, and it makes the experience less enjoyable for both of us.

Back to the dating pool. When it comes to female-presenting people, I seem to match with baby bi’s, which is really fun, but they don’t flirt with me *cry*. And male-presenting people seem only to want sex. No matter how I meet them, they are so hyper-sexual it’s alarming. I met this guy the other day on Raya who made fun of men who reach out immediately for sex, and pretty much straight after that, he sent me a photo of his dick and now only wants to talk to me if we’re sexting (I unfollowed, dw).

Last week, a guy who works opposite my apartment flirted with me and invited me for free drinks at his restaurant. I accepted and went along with my friend, thinking he was going to woo me. Instead, he IMMEDIATELY started making sexual innuendos while we were there and didn’t stop texting me about how he ‘fucking wants me.’

On dating apps, my friends and I get an insane amount of first messages from men asking to lick our pussy or show us their dicks. So now, thanks to them, I’ve become a cliche cunt who has to ask the question - what the fuck happened to hello?

This is how I plan on reframing sex from now on:

Wait until the third date

…Or at least try to. I often wait anyway, but recently, I’ve been finding it harder and harder to set this boundary. No, this isn’t because I’m desperate to fuck them. It’s because coercion is a much bigger problem than we like to discuss, and we need to discuss it because we can all relate to it. I’ve been struggling to keep this boundary in place because even when you tell them beforehand, they tend to try anyway. Then, when you say no, they tend to try more. It’s like they think if you’re having any kind of physical intimacy - hands touching, cuddling, making out - this means you’ve changed your mind and want to have sex with them. No matter what you say.

Alternatively, you tell people you won’t have sex with them until the third date, and suddenly, they lose interest in talking to you as soon as they realise you’re actually serious. This is tough as a recovering attention whore who cannot handle rejection, but I have to remember that it’s not me they’re rejecting, they just want different things, and that’s ok.

If they’re not interested in listening to my needs and desires, ditch them

This has happened to me this year as well. I’ve tried expressing exactly what it is I need, and the person hasn’t listened. I like a slow build-up, lots of foreplay and even hours of completely non-sexual care. It’s like aftercare, but it’s pre-care. I like the cuddling, the talking, the playing with my hair, the massages, and the insane make-out session before we’ve even removed our clothes.

What I’ve experienced recently is rushed - one moment we’re kissing, and the next we’re naked and touching each other. I hate it. It’s boring. They don’t take the time to make me need them so desperately that I’m trembling.

If it’s clear they want different things, don’t try to control the situation

I really need to learn how to do this. As a Scorpio and control freak with anxious attachment issues, I like to be in charge of every single thing. I will give myself credit and say that I’m self-aware about this, and I’m extremely careful not to ever control another person. But that doesn’t mean I won’t try to control a situation. Call it optimism, but if I have one good chat with someone and my interest is piqued, and then they show me that they’re actually not a good communicator, only want me for sex and will not respect my wishes, I will keep going in an attempt to go back to that one good conversation. If I had it once, I must be able to get it again. And even though they’re showing me that they don’t give a shit about me, and that our date will be shit, I try to manufacture a way it will go the exact way I want it to go.

No more. I have to stop with this. If someone is interested in me, they will actively make the effort. If they want the same things, I won’t be doubting them and recognising red flags that tell me the opposite. If it’s going to be a good date, I won’t have to manufacture anything.

I need to let go of the fear of not having enough sex and just do it when I want it and when the circumstances are right. There shouldn’t be any societal pressure for me to be out there dating. Enjoying my twenties is not about who I’m having sex with. Plus, what the fuck is the point in being able to say I’ve had sex if it wasn’t fun for me?

2025, for me, has been the year of shit dates and shit sex. And that’s fine. I’ve had a lot of sex in my life, and I’ve decided that, going forward, I’d rather slow down and have a few good shags a year than 100 shit ones.

Just in time for The Life of a Showgirl, I’m entering my next era: The Death of the Meaningless Shag. I want a slow build, I want a few dates, I want to know your grandma’s name before we do it (preferably not directly before). We don’t have to be entering a relationship for you to respect me, get to know me, and be romantic with me.

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