Sometimes People Just Aren't Right For Us

And it's ok if that hurts

When I woke up that morning, everything felt right. This doesn’t always happen, but for some reason, even despite my significant lack of sleep and the other body in my bed, everything felt right.

Then suddenly, after a really positive matcha latte date with a new friend and a mini shopping spree, everything turned.

It could’ve been that I hadn’t eaten in over 24 hours. It could’ve been that I hadn’t slept. It COULD’VE been my period. Or, it could’ve been the crushing weight of heartache, a stomach ache on my perfect day, as I breathed in the poisoned air of the rejection I knew I had to set myself up for.

I’ve been in love before, deep and passionate love. I’ve also had crushes. Lots of crushes.

“I love you. I hate you. I like you. I hate you. I love you. I think you’re stupid. I think you’re a loser. I think you’re wonderful. I want to be with you. I don’t want to be with you. I would never date you. I hate you. I love you…..I think the madness started the moment we met and you shook my hand.”
― Shannon L. Alder

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me” is the last thing I wrote in my journal.

I tend to crawl willingly into this mindset when my emotions don’t match the logical side of my brain. No matter how evolved and self-aware you feel you are, you can’t control your emotions; you can only control how you react to them. And I react to them by feeling like a failure (that is until I use all the techniques I’ve learned in therapy and remind myself it’s normal to feel things).

That sinking feeling in my stomach comes about whenever anything goes ‘wrong.’ Like when I get anxiety before a social event, or when I develop a crush on someone who isn’t right for me and doesn’t feel the same.

This week’s “I don’t know what’s wrong with me“ was the result of the latter. I get crushes all the time, little ones, big ones, medium-sized ones, and they tend to go away as quickly as they come about. But this one feels different. I don’t have feelings; it’s still very much a crush, but I don’t think this one is going anywhere without me taking action to get rid of it. That’s because this one is on a friend.

I met my neighbour briefly on Tuesday, and having moved to a new city and not knowing many people, I asked him to come over to dye my hair. Which he did (it looks pretty good tbf). Obviously, the first thing I did was tell him about my new crush and why it’s a massive problem. He advised that I go with the slow phase-out and stop being friends with my crush.

Then my roommate got home, so, obviously, I told her the entire situation as well. After yapping about my dilemma, she asked me why I don’t pursue it. Which was immediately insane to me. First of all, because we know, factually, that this person doesn’t feel the same (they have said so), but also because even if they did, we’re not right for each other.

It was saying this aloud that made me reflect on the millions of times I’ve had crushes on people I don’t want to be with.

She was right to ask why I don’t want to pursue it. We are very similar, we have the same sense of humour, we like the same things, we share the same values. But we’re not right for each other romantically because there are some key things I look for in a relationship that I wouldn’t find with this person (the main ones being veganism and an openness to spirituality, but them liking me back is also a pretty big requirement lmao). It sucks because I’ve had to put an end to the friendship, even though we are right for each other platonically.

I should be clear that I haven’t known this person very long (I’ve only been in Brighton a month). But you know when you just know you’re supposed to be friends with someone? That’s the feeling I get. So cutting them off hurts because I’m going to have to mourn the loss of what could’ve been a great friendship.

The reaction I’ve had from announcing this crush to my friends has been pretty funny. Some have been shocked over it being on a BOY (I knowwww)

Some have been shocked that I have a crush on someone who’s not vegan. And some have been shocked that I ended a friendship over a little crush (same).

The reason they’re shocked is that they think it’s a dramatic reaction to having a crush. The reason I’m shocked is that I would usually spiral and make them fall in love with me, even if I didn’t want to be with them. Or I’d keep it to myself instead of telling them and go crazy over the imagined rejection.

Instead, I messaged them explaining that I’d developed a small crush on them and that I needed to take a temporary step back from our friendship. And that’s on GROWTH.

But onto the point of the article.

If you’ve been with me a while, firstly, thanks for sticking around! Secondly, you’ll know from my first Substack article that I am a massive lover boy. This event may seem significant, but I can assure you that I’ve had 400 million crushes in my short 26 years.

This crush developed on Saturday; it’s currently Thursday, and I’ve had a total of five crushes since.

How do I define a crush? I guess an excitement. Butterflies. Can’t stop thinking about them. Imagining scenarios with them. A moment of madness.

Weirdly, the crush on my friend has been a bit different to that. I hadn’t and haven’t imagined being with them, and when Kate* asked if I had the desire to kiss them, I physically recoiled.

*If you’re new here, Kate is my best friend, roommate and business partner. I somehow manage to mention her in every article I write and assume everyone knows who she is by first name only and no descriptors.

My mum’s theory is that I want what I can’t have. My theory is that I’m homesick and desperately craving closeness.

OOPS I’ve drifted from the point of the article again. I also do this a lot, sorry.

The point is that I’ve had a million crushes. You’ve probably also had a million crushes (or maybe it’s just a Scorpio thing, idk). I’ve only ever had real feelings three times. For the two people I’ve been in long-term relationships with and one girl I will always love and will never be with (cry).

But the common theme with all of these has been that none of them were right for me.

I spent almost five years with my first partner, who was my best friend beforehand (and still is - again, if you’re a regular reader, you know who Dom is by now. If not, read my article what shitting my pants taught me about romance.) Dom and I were fantastic together in so many ways, but we were also wrong for each other in too many ways. We weren’t passionate about the same things, we didn’t want the same futures, and we eventually grew apart romantically.

One of my best friends has been in love with me for seven years, but we’re not right for each other because we have different ideas about what a relationship should look like. I thought my second long-term partner was the love of my life. We even planned a wedding. They were NOT right for me (they were a Pisces). I thought this girl I dated, who I was deeply, intimately and spiritually connected to, was going to be my wife someday. She ended up being infected with internalised misogyny. I even thought the person I saw on the train the other morning could be the love of my life. One of my other close friends is someone I used to date. He thought we’d end up together, but we were much better as friends.

I’ve even been desperately in love with one girl for years (but that’s different because we are right for each other, no one can tell me otherwise).

Some of these hurt terribly. Recognising that Dom wasn’t the right person for me almost killed me. I cried and cried and cried and never wanted to let him go. Now, years on, I’m so grateful I broke up with him because I’d much rather be alone for the rest of my life than spend my life with someone who’s not right for me.

Which is tough to swallow, because I do have crippling thoughts of ending up alone. Even though I won’t settle, I do desperately hope for romantic love constantly. I can’t help it. I’ve tried therapy, I’ve tried focusing on myself, and I’ve tried being fulfilled with what I have. And I am, mostly. I just want to be in love as well, and in the meantime, I will latch onto the millions of crushes I form on a weekly basis.

Hopefully, one of these days, my crush will be on someone who is right for me. But until then, I will treat it like a heartbreak. I will work through the symptoms. I will move on. And before I know it, I’ll have another crush on someone I never want to be with. That’s just the way it goes for me. I’m terribly, soul-crushingly, desperately romantic, and that will never change.

“This isn’t a crush, it’s obsession. You are never not in my thoughts. Your scent carries across a room and paralyses me with longing. I don’t want to hold your hand. Part of me wants to set you on fire and hold you while the flame consumes us both, to eat your heart so I know that only I possess it entirely.”
― Gwen Hayes, Falling Under

P.S. Here’s a dramatic poem I wrote about a tiny crush lmaoooo.

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